Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
