If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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