I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
