How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
