I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
