We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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