Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
