i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
