someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
