Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
