I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
