When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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