i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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