im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
