I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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