My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
