is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
