is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
