he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
