She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
