i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
