if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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