Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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