Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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