So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
