she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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