So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
