i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
