Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
