after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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