Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
