so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
