Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
