You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
