Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
