hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
