Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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