How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
