I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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