Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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