seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
