The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
and you fell through a lawn chair
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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