You work out of a Hotel?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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