She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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