Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
