dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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