I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
