we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
