matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
