if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
